The Distractable Mommy

It’s amazing to me the simple things that make life so wonderful. Yesterday afternoon, Shepherd and I went on a little walk. I put him in our new Kelty backpack (that we bought used for $20, which totally rocks!) and we took off walking. He babbled away contentedly in the pack, gazing up at the birds flying south, and occasionally pulled at my ponytail as if to say, “Move along, Mommy… move along.” We walked down to the playground, and into the field beside the playground. The field ends at some thick brush, and drops off into a creekbed. I would say the creek is 100 yards down, and if there wasn’t a whole lot of traffic, you could probably hear it from the top of the hill. We walked along the crest of that hill, gazing into the woods, watching bluejays flit from tree to tree, calling out warning to other birds who dared to bother them. We listened to the crickets chirping their evening song. I paused a moment, and it seemed Shepherd paused too, as he sat still and quiet, and we both listened to the sounds around us. I took a deep breath in, and for a moment, I was home.

No, I wasn’t back in North Carolina, but for a moment, this place, this open field, in Northern Virginia, was home. I thought to myself after that how I’d never felt that, and how wonderful it was to let that seep into my heart. To allow where I am to be home, even if it’s not where I’d want to be. And all of the sudden, the silliness of my complaining and desiring to be home hit me. I’d been wasting so much energy focusing on getting back to where I’d been, that I’d lost the joy of being where I am. For so long, I’ve felt like a stranger, walking around these apartments, being inside my apartment, with none of it feeling familiar, though I’d been here for some time. I’d felt left out, alone, and far away from the things I loved. But with that one breath, and in that stillness, I was able to claim a piece of the now, and accept it for what it is…. Home.

There’s been some discussion around our house about not blogging anymore. Mostly, I’ve been discussing it with Forrest. You see, it’s really hard to find time during the day to blog. And, I’m becoming more and more uncomfortable about writing some things. You see, a lot of people I know read this. And people I don’t know too, but I’m worried that I may slip up and say something I shouldn’t… or worse, that I may somehow reveal information about our family that could put us in danger.

I know, I know, this is paranoia, but still… It’s a thought that I’ve been wrestling with. There’s a fine dance between sharing stories and telling too much. And I dance that line a lot. Or at least I feel I do. You see, I’m a firm believer in full transparency with friends. Close friends. And it’s easy to view this blog as a “friend” that I can tell all of my problems to. The thing of it is, not everyone out there is my friend. Or at least, not close enough for me to share some of the information I want to share.

I’ve thought about starting another blog, completly annonymous, but then what would be the point of me writing?? I struggle with that as it is, as often I feel my writing is poor, sloppy, and uninspired. Yes, it’s wonderful for family to catch up with what Shepherd is doing, but I can do that with a password protected blog and all. As for the rest of the readers, I don’t feel I have much of an audience anymore (mostly due to the fact that I have no time to comment on other people’s sites, and often don’t respond to comments because of time issues… for that I’m sorry).

Granted, this blog has served as a wonderful tool for getting my thoughts out on paper. It’s also introduced me to one of my only close friends right now, who also blogs. I wouldn’t trade that friendship for the world, and I admit that the friendship would not have even developed had it not been for our blogs. I also feel that there are things that mothers go through that we can share for others to see and learn from…. if only to discover that we aren’t the only ones in the world struggling with this whole motherhood thing. I like to think that what I write may help someone out there understand that we are not alone. We are in this together. But lately… I don’t feel like I make that difference. I feel that my writings are redundant to all the other mothers writing out there. (And no, I’m not looking for pity here, I’m just being honest) This has kept me from writing… that and the fact that almost everyone I know in real life reads this or knows about my blog. It’s kind of hard to write honestly when you know that someone out there, who you know face to face in real life, is reading.

So if I spout off about how arrogant George Bush is, and how I cannot stand to watch the man on TV, and how I can’t stand the Republican Party right now, I’m treking into things I wouldn’t normally discuss with half of the people in real life. I would never talk about politics with people from home (besides my family). It’s just something I don’t do… not because I don’t buy what I believe… no, it’s actually to preserve those friendships. You see, in real life, politics aren’t the pinnicle of importance in my friendships. Sure it’s nice to have someone to gab about the state of things with, but I can be friends with a Republican, just as much as I can be friends with a Democrat. So as a matter of self-preservation, I just don’t talk politics.

I use politics as only one little example. There are a million other things that I could talk about, but don’t… simply because people know who I am. I understand now why authors often use a fake name when they author books.

So what do you think I should do? (If there’s anyone out there reading anymore… and judging from the responses, I’ll kind of know who read and who doesn’t) Should I pack up shop, and close the doors on TwoPinkLines? Should I keep on blogging here? Or should I create another blog, completely annonymous, and lose all of my current readers??? How do you handle these things??

All that crawling has worn him out!
Shepherd has officially “crawled”. I have some video footage that I’m working on editing (read: when Shepherd finally takes a nap, I’ll try to post the video). He’s grown so much over the past week. We just had our Doctor’s appointment to re-check his ear to make sure the ear infection is cleared up (and it is), and he’s gained 8 oz. since last Thursday!!!! Unbelievable!!! It’s probably due to the fact that I’ve been supplementing with formula and trying to wean Shepherd to formula. He’s grown so much!!! Check back later, and hopefully I’ll get some pictures or videos up!!!